Seeking Clarity on Intercourse - 1 Corinthians 7:1-7

Sermon Series: Confused?

Some of you may have noticed this weekend that something has been going on in the world of the NFL that has become a pretty big deal the last few years. It is the NFL draft. It’s the weekend that NFL teams select players who had been playing in the college ranks to play professionally for their franchise. And while you may not believe this, it really is four days of television where you simply listen to the commissioner of football get up every five to ten minutes and tell everyone watching/listening the name of the player each team has just selected. It sounds kind of boring, doesn’t it? Yet as the NFL continues to expand its influence in our culture, and as hobbies like fantasy football continue to attract new participants, even things like the NFL draft are able to acquire a large viewership.

One thing I do find interesting about the NFL draft (like other professional sports drafts) is that it signifies a very distinct transition in an athlete’s identity. While playing a sport in college an athlete is considered an amateur, and he or she must work hard to maintain that identity. The NCAA does not permit college athletes to receive payment for playing a sport because receiving payment for playing would be like making the sport their profession and would by definition change their identity from ‘amateur’ athlete to ‘professional’ athlete. So amateur athletes must choose to play their sport simply for the love of the game and while they are in college they have to work hard to make sure that they do not jeopardize their amateur status. But when their NCAA eligibility is up or when they feel like they have the talent to play in the NFL these amateur athletes can put their name into the NFL draft, which communicates that they no longer wish to remain an amateur athlete and that they would like to become a professional athlete. Then, if they are selected by an NFL team and are able to come to an agreement on a salary, they sign their name on a contract, making them a part of that particular franchise and changing their identity from ‘amateur’ athlete to ‘professional’ athlete. It may seem like a relatively small change in identity, but it has some pretty big implications. For example, it means that that individual can never play that particular sport again at the college level. It also means that they are no longer only playing their sport for fun, but they are playing that sport as a profession (which often times brings with it enormous jumps in salaries – from making nothing to often times making salaries with six or more digits). So the move from college football to the NFL changes the individual’s identity from amateur to professional. But be sure to note one thing that does not change – the game itself! While an athlete may go from amateur to professional, the game of football does not change. The objective of the game and the rules of the game (with one or two small exceptions) are still the same. The change in the individual’s identity does not change the game or how they are supposed to play it.

I share this illustration this week because the believers who were a part of the church at Corinth had been radically changed by the Gospel. They were once sinners who were eternally separated from God and who were considered His enemies; but as a result of their faith in Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection they had been reconciled to God and had become God’s children and co-heirs with Jesus. These believers understood that the good news of the Gospel had radically changed their identity. But some in the church at Corinth began to believe that the Gospel also effected changes in God’s purpose and design for marriage. As a result they were de-valuing marriage and suggesting that certain aspects of marriage which had once been an important part of marriage were no longer important and ought not to be practiced. But Paul is going to remind these believers that while they had experienced an identity change as a result of coming to faith in Jesus, that the Gospel had not altered God’s plan and design for marriage itself.

Chapter 7 begins a second part of Paul’s letter to the Corinthian church. In verse 1 we discover that this letter Paul has written is in part a response to a letter that the church at Corinth had written to Paul. In chapters 1-6 Paul was addressing some issues that had come to his attention as a result of reports brought to him by other people. But beginning in chapter 7 Paul is going to speak to some of the issues that the church at Corinth had sought clarity on from him. “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote . . .”

One of the questions that the church at Corinth was wrestling with had to deal with the topic of sexual intercourse within the marriage relationship. It seems that some in the Corinthian church had determined that sexual intercourse (even within the marriage relationship) ought to be avoided and that it was better to practice celibacy. So Paul immediately jumps to this issue by quoting a portion of their letter to him in which they wrote, “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” Based on the previous passage (1 Corinthians 6:12-20) it’s hard to believe that this was the stance of all of the Corinthian church (in particular the men). Several of the men seemed to have recognized their cravings for sexual contact and were doing what they could to satisfy those cravings and desires, even if it meant going outside of their marriage relationships in order to satisfy them. As a result many of them had become guilty of regularly engaging in sexual immorality by having sexual intercourse with prostitutes. Yet others in the church (perhaps many of the women) seem to have begun piecing together some of the pieces of Paul’s life and teachings and had started to draw some wrong conclusions. Paul was not a married man and from the evidence we have it doesn’t appear that Paul was actively seeking marriage. In addition to his strong stance against sexual immorality (which he had clearly made known to the church at Corinth) Paul had probably also taught them what Jesus had taught would take place after the resurrection in regards to marriage, “they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven” (Mark 12:25; see also Matthew 22:30; Luke 20:35). Combine these things with Paul’s urging (which we saw earlier in this very letter) for the believers in Corinth to “be imitators of [him]” (1 Corinthians 4:16), then it becomes easier to see how some may have drawn the conclusion that sexual intercourse should have been avoided.

In verse 2 Paul began his response to the conclusion they had drawn, “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” Paul recognized that many people have strong sexual cravings and desires – cravings and desires that can be so strong that they regularly tempt the individual to satisfy those cravings and desires through acts that are considered sexually immoral. Paul declared that the remedy is that a man with those strong desires should have a wife and that a woman with those strong desires should have a husband. Notice that he doesn’t say a boyfriend or a girlfriend, he doesn’t say a friend with benefits, nor does he say another person who would willingly consent because he or she has desires and cravings that he or she wants satisfied as well. The cravings of our flesh are very real, and in order to keep from falling to the temptation of sexual immorality God has designed that we satisfy those cravings with a spouse. While it will be true that after the resurrection we neither marry nor will be given in marriage, it is equally true that when God looked upon His creation of Adam He declared that “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18), and that God in His goodness and grace gave us the gift of marriage. So verse 2 doesn’t support the conclusions that some in the church at Corinth had begun to make, but rather began to confront their erroneous conclusions by commending marriage as a remedy for the temptation of sexual immorality.

Paul continues to build on his response in verse 3 when he writes, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” Not only does Paul say that those who have strong cravings of the flesh should have a spouse (verse 2), but he also commends sexual intercourse within the context of the marriage relationship. Pay careful attention to the way he does that here in this verse. Paul doesn’t address those who seem to be guilty of withholding sexual intercourse from their spouse by speaking directly to them and saying, “It’s your responsibility to help satisfy your spouse’s cravings. Because you aren’t he/she is falling into sexual immorality, so start having intercourse with your spouse once again.” Rather than identifying a guilty party and addressing him or her specifically, Paul speaks to both parties and says that they both have a mutual responsibility to one another to help satisfy the desires and cravings of the flesh. Paul says first to the husbands, “You have the responsibility as a husband to be making yourself available to your wife for sexual intercourse. One of the rights that your wife has within your marriage relationship is the right to sexual intercourse, and by God’s design you are the only one who is to provide that for her.” Then Paul looks to the wives and says you have the same responsibility to your husband. He says to the wives, “You have the responsibility as a wife to be making yourself available to your husband for sexual intercourse. One of the rights that your husband has within your marriage relationship is the right to sexual intercourse, and by God’s design you are the only one who is to provide that for him.”

To further build upon his response he goes on to explain in verse 4, “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” Showing its head again is the misunderstood concept of personal “freedom” and “authority” that we saw come into play in last week’s text (see 6:12). Some of the believers in Corinth had begun to de-value marriage and were neglecting their responsibilities as marriage partners. Like last week we see at the center of these decisions a very self-centered way of thinking. Rather than thinking about their responsibilities to their spouse or how they could lovingly help their spouse they were making choices that they, themselves, would benefit from the most. So Paul continues to take them back to God’s design and God’s plan and to remind them that nothing has changed. God still loves marriage and has a plan for marriage. God’s plan that we find fulfillment for our sexual desires still falls within the context of marriage and marriage alone. And when two individuals have sexual intercourse with one another God still unites those two individuals, making them one flesh. So when we have sexual intercourse with another we no longer have personal authority over our bodies. Our bodies have been united with another’s and we have shared (or joint) authority. While these believers had received the salvation that Jesus purchased for them by dying on the cross and rising again by placing their faith in Jesus as their Savior and Lord, and while this had changed and transformed many things in their lives, the design and purpose of marriage had not changed.

Therefore, Paul gives a very clear command to the believers in the church at Corinth in verse 5 that he has been leading up to in the previous verses, “Do not deprive one another.” Paul’s understanding was that the life transforming news of the Gospel did not demand sexual abstinence within marriage. On the other hand, Paul understood that a marriage devoid of sexual intercourse was (and is) a gross misrepresentation of the Gospel.

Let’s pause here to spend a little time unpacking that statement. In order to do that we need to go back to the beginning – to God’s creation of the world. In Genesis 1 and 2 we find an account of God creating everything out of nothing, and everything being good. But the crowning jewel of His creation was His creation of mankind, which He created in His image (see Genesis 1:26-27). Immediately at that time God also established the covenant of marriage and we see that by God’s design “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). So from the very beginning of time we see that God was the One who designed and initiated the marriage covenant and the One who created us as sexual beings and gave us a designated relationship in which we could engage in sexual intercourse. Now note that all of this was created and established prior to the fall in Genesis 3 (where Adam and Eve gave into Satan’s temptation and acted in disobedience to God). We know that when Adam and Eve sinned that the consequences of their sin had an impact on all things. Sin began to take its toll on people, on creation, and on all that God established in creation. But Adam and Eve – at least for a season prior to the fall – experienced both life and marriage just as God had designed it and created it. Every aspect of their marriage – their communication, their intimacy, and even their sexual intercourse was without any flaw or damage. Their marriage was in all reality perfect, and every aspect of their marriage was bringing glory to God.

A perfect marriage is something that none of us will ever know or experience, because when Adam and Eve sinned, sin began to have a devastating impact on all things. As individuals, sin impacts our decision making and behaviors so that we make choices and act in ways that displease God and take us outside of His will and created order of things. Sin has also had a devastating effect on our marriages. Our communication is broken, our motives are selfish, and even our intimacy and sexual intercourse is effected by our sin. But while it’s true that sin impacts our lives and our marriages, it is also true that God has done an incredible work through His Son, Jesus, to redeem us once again for His glory AND to redeem marriage and uphold its purpose so that it can continue to bring glory and honor to Him.

So let’s fast forward now to Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus. In Ephesians 5:22-27 Paul says that our marriages now have the remarkable task of displaying what the relationship of Jesus with the church looks like. “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Paul says the world needs to see the love of Christ for the church when they see the way a husband loves and relates to his wife, and that they need to see the church’s love for their Savior when they see the way a wife loves and follows her husband. In other words our marriage relationships need to be a visual demonstration of the love and reconciliation that takes place through the Gospel.

If, in a marriage relationship, one of the spouses decides to withhold sexual intercourse from the other, their marriage relationship begins to communicate certain things that are not true of the Gospel or of the relationship between Jesus and the church that results from faith in the Gospel. Their relationship is one that is marked by separation, a lack of intimacy, and unsatisfied cravings and desires; and these are adjectives that characterize our lives when sin is still ruling and reigning in us. Sin separates us eternally from God and creates between us a chasm that we cannot cross. Without a means of drawing close to God we are forced to live apart from Him, where we will never know intimacy with Him. And when our life is void of intimacy with God our soul will go on craving Him and will never experience true satisfaction. But the Gospel declares that by His death, burial, and resurrection, Jesus made a way for us to have what sin caused us to lose. By believing (1) that Jesus is God’s Son; (2) that by His death and burial He paid in full the payment God required of us for our sin; and (3) that by His resurrection He made new life available to all who would believe in Him, the Bible tells us that we can have the forgiveness of sins and experience reconciliation with God. Jesus, alone, is able to bring us back to God (see 1 Peter 3:18)! And in being reconciled to God we find personal intimacy with our Creator, which is the only thing that will ever really satisfy and delight our hearts and souls. So when we enter into a relationship with Jesus we experience nearness to and intimacy with our God and Savior, and the greatest desires and cravings of our hearts are satisfied. If our marriages are every going to be an accurate portrayal of these gospel realities then sexual intercourse has to be a part of our marriages. In our marriages there has to be times of coming together, experiencing intimacy with our spouse, and having our spouse fulfill the desires and cravings that no other one else is supposed to meet. When we have sexual intercourse with our spouse then we are experiencing gospel realities in a tangible way, and in those moments our intercourse can become more than just a means of gratifying ourselves, it can become an act of worship.

For that reason, getting back to verse 5, Paul says, “Do not deprive one another.” Paul does go on to give one concession in the remainder of verse 5-6. “Except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Now as a concession, not as a command, I say this.” Paul says in these verses that for concerted times of prayer it is okay for spouses to agree upon a time of abstinence so that they can concentrate on prayer. But this should only last for a limited time. Not even for the purpose of prayer should a marriage relationship be devoid of sexual intercourse. Even when both spouses are supposed to be focused on prayer, the temptation for sexual immorality can arise. So Paul says he won’t ever make abstinence within marriage a command. At best abstinence can be a concession for a short time, but it must come to an end and spouses should connect with one another again in sexual intercourse.

In verse 7 Paul reveals an interesting spiritual gift that he had been given, “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.” Paul suggested in this verse that he possessed the gift of celibacy – something that he considered a spiritual gift. Apparently Paul, even though he was a single man, did not wrestle with strong desires and cravings of the flesh - God had removed those cravings from him. As a result Paul says, “I wish everyone had that gift. But that’s not the case. Some have the spiritual gift of celibacy, but others have the gift of marriage.”  If no one struggled with the desires and cravings of the flesh then everyone would be able to focus more energy and effort on whole-heartedly serving Christ. That was certainly true for Paul.  Because God had gifted him with a lack of sexual drive he was able to focus more fully on his ministry of serving Jesus. Paul could only imagine how the church would function if that was true for everyone.  But Paul also realized that that wasn't a gift that God had given to everyone - many people still struggled with a strong drive and craving for sexual intercourse.  Whle God had not given those individuals the gift of celibacy, God had instead given them the gift of marriage. In Paul's eyes, marriage was just as much a gift for those with strong sexual desires and cravings as celibacy was for those who did not struggle with strong sexual desires.  So Paul encourages them at the end of verse 7 suggesting that they all ought to be thankful for whichever gift God had given to them and not to neglect or de-value whichever gift God had given to them, but rather to make the most of it.

In the same way that the NFL draft changes an individual athlete's identity from 'amateur' to 'professional,' but does not change the purpose of the game or the rules by which it is played; so the Gospel changes our individual identity but does not change God's design and purposes for marriage.  We need to be allowing the gospel to transform our lives, and we need to be embracing the gift of marriage that God had given to us and allowing ourselves and our spouses to experience in tangible ways through sexual intercourse the Gospel realities of unity, intimacy, and soul satisfaction that are true for us as a result of our salvation through faith in Jesus.